Read an article in the newspaper the other day, ” Can you really start your day without a cup of coffee?”. For most of us today, that is a very important question.
On a good day, I average about 8 cups and don’t even bother counting on a bad day, Most people think that you can drink that many coffees in office only because it is free.
But let me tell you something important — There is never a free coffee at work. And another important note – I am completely obsessed by coffee.
In fact coffee is the only thing that can help you when you are trapped in a meeting that lasts far longer than its necessary. I might say that I thoroughly enjoy discussions highlighting colleagues trying to better each other with stories of their gifted children. Actually I don’t, In fact I have an aversion to people who talk just for the sake of hearing themselves speak.
Some of you may be familiar with this situation – not the meeting itself, but people throwing out words that sound important or, more accurately, words designed to make the user feel important. While this may fool a lot of people, it doesn’t float past a jaded corporate drone like me.
So for those of you who haven’t spent a lot of time drinking coffee, err.. in meetings, Let me offer you a dictionary of corporate terminology for your reference.
Phrase 1: “Lets put a closure to this issue.”
Translation: “No one here, including myself, has the authority to sign our names to any paper at all, So, instead let us agree to pass this to someone with more authority so they can be the scapegoat.”
Phrase 2: “What are the key decisions from this meeting?”
Translation: “We’ve basically sat around talking for the last hour and we still really have no idea what we’ve been talking about. So in order to explain to our managers where we’ve been for all this time, let’s use the next 30 seconds to pound out a few bullet points that we can neatly put into email format for wide distribution.”
Phrase 3: “Let’s take this dialogue offline”
Translation: “None of the people talking right now really knows what we’re saying. So to save us mortification in front of our peers, let’s publicly state that we are going to discuss this topic at another time while silently agreeing to never speak of it again.”
Phrase 4: “This needs to be escalated?”
Translation: See translation of Phrase 1
Phrase 5: “Let’s wait until we are able to complete analysis of the data”
Translation: “I’m not ready to report anything. Yet, instead of rescheduling this meeting and sparing everyone’s time, I decided to talk shop until time expires and I finish my coffee.”
Phrase 8: “We’re approaching the go/no go point”
Translation: “I’m getting worried. You all should be worried too and this is my way of letting you know. It’s time to stall until one of the managers steps in and takes charge. ”
So now you know, when you find yourself in a situation where you know nothing and feel the need to look important, or when you are caught in the company of someone who knows nothing and acts important.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my coffee has been brewed…
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By Neha Mistry